Jamie's tinkering signals the onset of old age

There are certain signs that you know you’re getting older. You start fancying your mate’s mum, you can’t get up and down the touchline like you once could, getting up in the morning takes that extra 10 seconds longer sitting on the edge of the bed.
I can still hop out of bed ok, I’m actually a better runner now that I ever was and, at my age, the notion of fancying any of my friends’ mothers isn’t just wrong, it’s plain weird.
Still, my youthful step was brought to a shuddering halt this week when, driving around the wilds of Cheshire on doorknocks, Jamie Cullum came on Radio 5.
Now I’ll be honest here. I’ve always regarded Cullum as an annoying little squirt, the pint-sized twerp prancing around and jumping off pianos. He’s annoying and his music’s rubbish. I like rock. I like pop. I can’t stand this self-indulgent type of pseudo pop-jazz.
So I was minded to turn the radio off but couldn’t be bothered. It was a nice day, the view of the High Peaks was beautiful and besides, Simon Mayo, regardless of the quality of guest on his show, is relentlessly brilliant.
So it was with a growing mix of pleasure and self-disgust that I not only stuck with Cullum, but starting enjoying him. He was refreshingly self-deprecating and fun.
And then they played a couple of excerpts from his new album, including a song he co-wrote with one of my teenage heroes, Ricky Ross. And it sounded good.
This meant I was enjoying listening to Jamie Cullum and his music. The panic really started to set in once I realised I was thinking ‘why don’t I buy the album?’. Go on, the little devil on my shoulder teased, give it a go.
I stopped myself there, thankfully. Not because the album’s no good, I’m sure it’s extremely good.
But handing over that £7.99 to iTunes would represent a seminal moment in my life. That moment of passing when you know that once done, things will never been the same, that a slice of your youth has been forever lost.
These are things you should not let go lightly. Thought and effort should be exerted before signing your life away.
So, clinging on desperately, I won’t buy the album.
This isn’t fair on Cullum, who is clearly hugely talented, and I'm sure he won't really mind, but I just can’t admit to myself the truth.
If I do, where will it all stop? What next? Katherine bloody Jenkins?
No, the cork must go in and a line drawn in the sand.
And if that means a fiver less in Jamie’s bank account, then I’m a sorrier, but far happier man.

pic: yahama.com

Balls, balloons and bolts – odd ways to win a football match

The beach ball incident at Sunderland recently, when Darren Bent’s shot was deflected into the Liverpool goal by an inflatable thrown onto the pitch by a Liverpool fan, wasn’t the first case of outside intervention swaying the result of a football match.
The bizarre, and only, goal of that game brought to mind many an odd incident which, one way or another, has affected the outcome of a match.
Joe Hart, then of Manchester City, suffered a similar inflatable embarrassment last year when a ball into his penalty area hit a couple of balloons, bamboozling his defenders and presenting Sheffield United’s Luke Shelton with an open goal. Bang went City’s hopes in the FA Cup – they lost 2-1 – along with the balloons Hart spent the rest of the afternoon popping in his six yard box.
One celebrated occurrence of course came here at Pride Park in 2004 during the 4-2 dismantling of Forest. As Barry Roche prepared to clear a back pass, the ball hit a coffee cup that had blown onto the pitch and popped up onto Roche’s swinging shin. It ballooned into the air and landed at the feet of a surprised Paul Peschisolido, who gratefully stuck it into an empty net. (The pic above, from dcfc.co.uk, is of the Pesch "reliving" his glory moment)
It’s typically English for a beach ball to wreck a team’s chance of winning the league, but across the world there have been more sinister powers at work.
In 1998, 11 players were injured during a match between Jomo Cosmos and Moroka Swallows in South Africa, when a bolt of lightning struck the ground, leaving players from both sides writhing around in agony.
And locals blamed witchcraft for a similar incident in Congo when the entire home side was hospitalised after a lightning strike.
It was the supporters themselves responsible for halting at game in Argentina between San Lorenzo and Velez Sarsfield in 1990, and not for the usual reasons. The referee was forced to abandon proceedings because every time the ball went out the crowd refused to give it back. When San Lorenzo ran out of balls, the match ended.
And if you’ve ever dreamed of scoring a vital goal for your team, the dream came true for one ball boy in 2006 during a cup tie in Brazil between Santacruzense and Atletico Sorocaba. In the final minute and with the away side 1-0 down, a Santacruzense shot flashed wide and went to the ballboy who duly delivered it onto the pitch and into the goal. The referee, who wasn’t paying attention, only saw the keeper fetch the ball from the net and so awarded a goal. Stuart Atwell, eat your heart out.